How To Parent Effectively

Parenting is one of life’s most rewarding — and most challenging — roles. The good news is, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Parent Effectiveness Training (PET), developed by clinical psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon, offers a compassionate and practical framework for building more respectful, cooperative, and emotionally connected relationships with your children.

As a therapist, I often draw on P.E.T. principles to help parents strengthen communication, reduce conflict, and bring more calm and understanding into family life.

What Is PET?

Developed in 1962, P.E.T. helps parents move away from control-based strategies — such as punishment, reward systems, or constant correction — and instead focus on connection and collaboration. The approach emphasizes empathy, mutual respect, and problem-solving, helping both parents and children feel heard and valued.

At its heart, P.E.T. recognizes that parents and children each have legitimate needs. When those needs are acknowledged, families become more cooperative, trusting, and emotionally healthy.

The Core Question: “Whose Problem Is It?”

One of the most powerful tools in P.E.T. is learning to identify who owns the problem in any given situation. This concept helps parents respond appropriately, avoid unnecessary power struggles, and foster greater understanding.

• When your child is upset or struggling — for example, feeling hurt by a friend or frustrated with homework — the problem belongs to your child. Your role is to listen actively, offering empathy rather than advice or correction.

• When you are frustrated — maybe about chores, bedtime, or screen time — the problem belongs to you. That’s when you use an I-Message, expressing your feelings and needs clearly without blame or criticism.

• Sometimes, you both share the problem — such as when your child wants more independence than you’re comfortable with. In these cases, P.E.T. offers No-Lose Conflict Resolution, a process that helps both of you find a solution that meets everyone’s needs.

This simple mental check — “Whose problem is it?” — can shift the entire tone of family interactions. It allows you to respond with empathy and clarity, reducing defensiveness and helping everyone feel respected.

The Core Skills of PET

• Active Listening: Responding with empathy so your child feels truly heard and understood.

• I-Messages: Expressing your own feelings and needs honestly, without blame or judgment.

• No-Lose Conflict Resolution: Working together to find mutually satisfying solutions.

• Avoiding Communication Roadblocks: Being mindful of patterns — such as lecturing, criticizing, or moralizing — that can shut down dialogue.

  
  

Why It Works

Parents who apply P.E.T. principles often report less tension, fewer power struggles, and greater cooperation at home. Children who feel listened to are more likely to open up, take responsibility, and engage in healthy problem-solving.

Because it’s grounded in humanistic psychology, P.E.T. emphasizes empathy, authenticity, and respect — qualities that nurture strong, connected families.

Everyday Examples

• Your child says, “I hate school.” Instead of replying, “You have to go,” you respond, “Sounds like something about school has been really hard lately.” You’ve recognized that the problem belongs to your child and practiced active listening.

• You find dishes left out again. That’s your problem, so you say, “I feel frustrated when dishes are left out because I need a clean space to relax.” That’s using an I-Message.

• You and your child disagree about bedtime. That’s a shared problem, and using No-Lose Conflict Resolution, you can collaborate on a solution that works for both of you.

Final Thoughts

Parent Effectiveness Training isn’t about being a perfect parent — it’s about being a present one. It’s about moving from “My way or the highway” to “Let’s work through this together.”

By asking “Whose problem is it?” and leading with empathy, you can turn everyday frustrations into opportunities for connection and growth. The result is a more peaceful home and a stronger, more trusting bond with your child.

If you’d like to learn how to apply PET principles in your own family, therapy can be a supportive space to practice these skills and tailor them to your unique challenges.